Second Time Around weddings - the pluses and minuses of the second trip up the aisle
Nearly half the weddings celebrated in the past three years include one or more partners who have been married before. This growing trend brings both sunshine and heartache. Let’s look on the bright side first. There are great advantages to a second wedding:
Suppose you’re having your son or daughter as ring bearer or bridesmaid – do you or don’t you invite their grandparents (your ex-laws) or not?
Suppose it’s your second wedding, and you’re happy to do something understated and spend the money on the honeymoon, but your future spouse hasn’t been married before and wants to go all out for the big two-hundred person bash with a horse and carriage and a five tier cake?
Remember this – you can never please everybody. You can try, but it’s still your wedding day and the main people who should be pleased about it are you and your new partner. If your children don’t want to be involved, don’t force them. Arrange to meet up with them afterwards and go out for a meal or something instead. It’s not that they are rejecting you, necessarily, but that the balancing act required of them when a parent remarries just gives them a kind of emotional vertigo. If they are willing to be part of the day, make sure they have a simple but significant role to play. Even the youngest child can light a candle for family unity. You might want to get a godparent or aunt or uncle to watch out for each child during the day, just to make sure they don’t become overwhelmed by the event. Make sure that if your partner has children you’ve taken as much care over their roles and support as you do over your own kids.
Try and inform your ex as soon, and as simply as possible, about your wedding plans. Give them time to adjust and try to avoid anything too insensitive like getting married in the same week as the first time, or in the same church!
Getting married abroad is one way of cutting through a lot of the emotional turmoil. Taking a very small group of dear friends with you, and having everything organised when you arrive can be a great incentive, but remember that weddings that happen out of sight tend to fall out of mind too, and you mustn’t be disappointed if friends and family don’t commemorate your anniversary, if they weren’t they to celebrate with you on the day.
- You don't have to risk losing friends by forcing them to wear cute dresses with bows, taffeta, or bustles.
- Times have changed. You can use the internet to do your shopping and your mobile phone to take pictures of various venues to help you decide. You know how a To-Do List works now, and you won’t forget to buy shoes or send thank-you notes this time around!
- You don't have to follow the herd. You can ignore the ‘standard’ wedding format and do what suits you and your loved one best.
- Many second time arounders have the attitude that ‘It’s the last time I’m going to do it, so it’s going to be the best’ and you’ll probably find that maturity, and both of you having had more practice in decision making, will ensure your second wedding is a much less stressful time for you and your partner to be.
- You don't have to run from bar to bar and slam shots with thirty mates, while dressed in a veil with L plates. You can, if you want to, but this time you don’t HAVE to!
- Second brides are loved by the wedding industry because they are decisive, well-heeled and know what they want. Make the most of your popularity and negotiate with potential suppliers, first time brides rarely have the nerve to bargain!
- You won’t get trapped in the worry zone. So the Best Man has declared he’s gay/or straight/or emigrating? So your mother-in-law and your mother both want to wear red? So what? You know that you can’t change the world, and you know that nobody should be enjoying your day more than you, so you’ll worry just enough to get things done, then put it behind you and move on to something you can solve.
On the other hand – there are issues on top of issues for many second-time-arounders:
Suppose you’re having your son or daughter as ring bearer or bridesmaid – do you or don’t you invite their grandparents (your ex-laws) or not?Suppose it’s your second wedding, and you’re happy to do something understated and spend the money on the honeymoon, but your future spouse hasn’t been married before and wants to go all out for the big two-hundred person bash with a horse and carriage and a five tier cake?
Remember this – you can never please everybody. You can try, but it’s still your wedding day and the main people who should be pleased about it are you and your new partner. If your children don’t want to be involved, don’t force them. Arrange to meet up with them afterwards and go out for a meal or something instead. It’s not that they are rejecting you, necessarily, but that the balancing act required of them when a parent remarries just gives them a kind of emotional vertigo. If they are willing to be part of the day, make sure they have a simple but significant role to play. Even the youngest child can light a candle for family unity. You might want to get a godparent or aunt or uncle to watch out for each child during the day, just to make sure they don’t become overwhelmed by the event. Make sure that if your partner has children you’ve taken as much care over their roles and support as you do over your own kids.
Try and inform your ex as soon, and as simply as possible, about your wedding plans. Give them time to adjust and try to avoid anything too insensitive like getting married in the same week as the first time, or in the same church!
Getting married abroad is one way of cutting through a lot of the emotional turmoil. Taking a very small group of dear friends with you, and having everything organised when you arrive can be a great incentive, but remember that weddings that happen out of sight tend to fall out of mind too, and you mustn’t be disappointed if friends and family don’t commemorate your anniversary, if they weren’t they to celebrate with you on the day.
