Second Time Around weddings - involving the children
More and more marriages are second marriages, and often the couple will be having more fun planning their second ceremony than they ever did at the first. Maturity means you know what you want, and you have the negotiation skills to get it. You’re more likely to want a good time than to demand perfection and less likely to care what other people think. All this is likely to make for a wedding brimming over with good humour and great fun. But hold on a second. For the children of previous marriages, a second marriage can be a confusing and traumatic affair. They may feel left out, or disloyal to their other parent, or just confused about their place in things.
Start by making sure that all children, no matter how old, have a role in the planning. If the kids are tiny, sit them down with crayons and paper and get them to draw what they think would be most fun about the wedding. In the last couple of weeks before the big day, create a wedding calendar, like an advent calendar, to give them a small gift or treat each day – that way they will understand the countdown to the event, and won’t feel neglected as more of your time is used in the throes of final planning. Very little ones may be willing to be ring bearers and flower girls, but before you suggest it to them, talk it over with your ex (assuming you’re on speaking terms!) or you might get accused of ‘hi-jacking’ the children’s emotions. You can mention these special roles in the order of service – as your children grow, they can look back on this permanent record of their central part in your special day.
Remember that weddings can be a bit like sex education – unwelcome questions will emerge at the most unlikely times! A friend’s four year old piped up with, ‘When you marry John, will my daddy be bridesmaid?’, which might not have been so bad, except that he did it during the first meeting of the new in-laws to be, over tea at a very posh hotel!
Sevens to fifteens may be self conscious about taking part, but still not want to be left out
If your children are determined to stay out of the limelight, they might still want to pass out order of service cards, supervise smaller children, or help with pre-wedding activities. Extra pocket money can be offered to get them to stuff envelopes with invitations, go shopping with you or even babysit other children while you gossip with your bridesmaids.
If they don’t mind the public gaze, older children can be ushers, groomsmen, bridesmaids, or even the maid of honor or best man. It’s becoming more and more common to have two best men – and having your oldest child, or your new partner’s oldest child, take on part of the best man’s duties can be a great way to integrate them into the ceremony – and there’s no need to be gender fussy about this. Any child can accompany a parent to the altar. Bear in mind that one of the main confusions in young children’s minds can be the ‘giving away’ of the bride, which may set up a horrible image of Mum being handed over and never coming back. Make sure that you get into the habit of saying ‘accompany’ not ‘give away’ if your little ones are showing any sign of separation anxiety.
Gifts are a lovely way to help your children understand what’s happening and feel they are valued at a time when you might be rather distracted. Bibles, bracelets, pens, mugs,money boxes, and soft toys are all potential mementoes that children will treasure.
Ask your celebrant if you can make a vow that includes younger children: some will be happy to include a vow where both adults promise to love and support the children and the children, in turn, promise to love their parents, new and old. Some celebrants may also allow you to give a keepsake when rings are exchanged – engraved silver bracelets make a suitable token for both boys and girls, as to medallions.
Children often get neglected after the ceremony. All the formal processes take over: photographs, register, congratulations, line-ups for throwing confetti and so on. There can be no worse feeling that watching all this happening from the side-lines, with no clear idea what you’re supposed to be doing. It can be horribly boring too. You can make sure this doesn’t happen just by making sure you thank them for their involvement and tell them they can go off and play – if you can organize it, arrange to have a friend bring along a small goody bag with some sweets (non staining!) and small books and pencils; this allows them to sit in a corner and have some quiet fun while all the formal activities go on. Remember, any child who is old enough to write their name can come and sign the register with you! Of course there have to be two adult witnesses, but two is the minimum, not the maximum and many children will relish the chance to sign their first official document. If you have adult children, this is an equally suitable way to integrate them into the event.
At the reception, you can have family candles, with each child lighting their own candle from the large central candle that you and your new spouse light together. This makes a beautiful display and – if you time it for just after the cake cutting – integrates the children once again into the main event.
Grown children present other issues for planning. Some may prefer not to be involved, feeling your new marriage is your business and they have their own lives to lead. Try and see their point of view, however disappointed you are. Others though, may want to contribute by giving a rehearsal dinner or post-wedding meal – accept their generosity and enjoy involving them in the planning for the day. Invite your adult children to speak at the reception, even if they haven’t taken a formal role in the wedding.
